i’m on a beach. just me, the ocean, and a few close friends surrounded by redwoods. quiet. peaceful. my own little piece of nirvana. nice.

a dull roar begins to invade my serenity, getting louder and louder by the second. when did i become part of the opening credits of MASH? i open my eyes. the roar is still there. it’s not a dream.

i check the time: roughly 6:30 AM.  are you kidding me?

the sound is still there, only louder. i look out my window – nothing. it’s louder. i venture out into the living room and glimpse out the balcony window – see nothing & not sure i care enough to actually walk out onto the balcony for a better look.  the sound, still louder.appears to be coming north, in the direction of the civic center, 3 blocks away.

must be helicopters. something big is happening. haven’t heard this much of a racket so close to home since the riots and the oj circus. terrorists? thievery?  it’s deafening. just need to calm down – it’ll stop. just can’t let it get to me. they usually go away in 5 minutes… i’ll just go back to bed and listen to the rest of yesterday’s 90210 episode (this one’s good – emily almost burns down Casa Walsh!) while i try to get a few more minutes in at the beach before reality sets in.

i naively go back to bed, but there’s no going back to sleep. it’s 6:35.  WTF?  why aren’t they leaving? something is definitely going on. if there is some sort of attack or danger, i guess i should find out, right?

i stop emily as she’s begging brandon for just one more chance and flip over to live tv. nothing on channel 7. nothing on 2, or 4. maybe i should check national news – you never know. Nothing about santa monica on cnn – but i do see a snippet running across the bottom of the screen about ms. l drama. tragic. i think “why doesn’t she just hire a driver and give it up?”

the roar is gone. silence is back. but i’m now on a mission.

fully awake, i’ve determined – since i’ve checked all credible television news – that we’re safe and santa monica is not under attack. wonder if all this fuss is celebrity-related and tune to ktla (after all, it is los angeles & ktla is where you go when you’re not interested in real news).

ktla comes through – and i learn that ms. l was involved in some car chase that ended outside of the civic center and was just released from samo’s jail. the battalion of news teams and paparazzi are on hand to get pictures of her, which explains the sounds of combat outside my apartment. (never mind she was released 10 minutes or so before i woke up and they just left!)

beauty. i got janked out of the redwoods by the sea because some 21-year-old can’t control her temper, her liquor, her smack, and learns nothing from rehab. again.

it’s now 7:15 – did all that seriously happen? i’d feel sorry for her, if i wasn’t so damn sleepy. i mean, i’m glad she didn’t hurt anyone and hopefully this is rock bottom for her (wishful thinking, i know – it’s rock bottom for me, lemme tell ya), but why couldn’t she have pulled this crap where she usually does it on the other side of town, near robertson or on sunset? why change her stripes now?

i guess variety really is the spice of life.

i don’t often offer my unsolicited opinion about how anyone – celebrities included – should (or should not) be living their lives. but, now i’ve been affected directly, dammit.

she has gone too far. she must be stopped.