Before the Parade Passes By from Hello Dolly. It’s my new life soundtrack. It’s cheesy, but fitting. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I truly am not living up to my own expectations or my potential and won’t be until I make some major changes in my life.

About two and a half years ago, I had the first “light-bulb” moment of my thirties: somewhere between my 30th birthday and today, I allowed myself to get completely derailed. Sure, there had been times where I’d veered a bit, but not like this. I had let many dreams fade, and replaced them with, well, uh, nothing. Nothing but settling, that is. I keep asking myself one question: how did I get here?

The padded walls of denial and hope do something funny to one’s logic system. It didn’t really matter what friends and common sense thought: I wasn’t really settling – my life had just gone in a new direction. They obviously just didn’t “get” my life – it was far too complicated for them to understand. Right. Besides, it would get better. I had promises! Promises from many directions. A year later (!!), I finally did some soul-searching and took a major action – one of the hardest ones of my life, in fact. But it didn’t end up being enough. Honestly, did I really expect it to be?

I’m a people–pleaser – often at the cost of my own happiness and sanity! Always have been. So, disappointing people, not pleasing them, and even saying no are difficult things for me at best. Even more challenging is my need to “fix” things or make them “better”, often not stopping until I’m satisfied with the result or I’ve deemed it a lost cause (which is hard to do) – even in my relationships. I got so wrapped up in serving others, making others happy, and chasing after someone else’s dream, that I completely neglected myself.

I knew nothing good would come of my dragging my feet, and vowed to put myself front and center, pull myself together, and get back on track. Not surprisingly, I was all talk and very little action in that regard. I could play the blame game, but – bottom line – I allowed myself to be here. I accepted less than I would expect others to accept, less than what I deserved. So, I got less than I wanted. Less than I needed. Imagine that…

As I come out of my self-induced fog, I feel like Rip Van Winkle. Everything is changing around me. Lives are moving forward. And here I sit, continuing to tread water, waiting – I guess for that perfect wave. The problem is that waves can make you soar or knock you out, if you’re not careful. I haven’t been careful, and I’ve been knocked out.

Enter Project Buttercup. No more excuses. Lesson learned.

These days, I’m making the time for me – for little things like alone time, research, haircuts, and pedicures, among other amusements! I’ve stopped investing in people and relationships that aren’t giving me a return on my investment. I’m beginning to see the light. I’m laughing randomly. I’m a far more pleasant person to be around, generally speaking. I even caught myself singing to no one in particular the other day. All in all, I’m starting to figure out how to become the person I want to be – not what I think others want me to be. Not an easy task at any age.

And guess what? The world hasn’t blown up. I’m still loved. And the future is full of promise again.

So, I’m taking Project Buttercup public, symbolized by a redesigned site and a new commitment to blogging and other personal pursuits. While life still overwhelms me, there is something about posting that keeps me in check and makes life a little less dramatic, a lot more tolerable – enjoyable, even. I plan to post far more often.

Of course, I’ve got a ton of work to do – it’s only the beginning. But, I’m celebrating that I’m actually beginning – and not sitting on the sidelines anymore. Does it feel good? You have no idea.

I hope you enjoy random buttercup 2.0. – determined to sometimes lead the parade, sometimes just be a part of it – but never, ever watch it go by without me again.